most people try hard to stay together. i've always wondered why they do that. i mean, why would you try to hold onto something that keeps wanting to slip away? it doesn't make sense. if it doesn't fit, let it go. i think it's the simplest solution to the most difficult problem.

but what do i know? i've been trying to let go of something that wants to stay, and for the past 6 months, it's been resisting me like there's no tomorrow. i think i'm crazy. i'm wasting so much energy trying to break up, trying to let go, trying to put an end to something that's been a good chunk of my life. or maybe i'm not trying hard enough. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm being such a girl. this i hate the most. i don't want to be a weak girl. i want to tough this out. and my pride is telling me to end everything now. end all connections. send everything back. but at the same time, the girl part of me is telling me to keep going because it's not everyday that something like this stays for this long.

i cry myself to sleep most nights thinking, deciding exactly what to do and how to do it right. i want to try to make things right again, but somehow i still always find myself very unhappy. and i don't know why i keep doing this to myself. i don't know why i feel guilty when there's nothing to be guilty about. things have gotten way out of control. i'm hurting again.