the last couple of months have been too busy, too cluttered, perhaps too out of control.

school hasn't been very demanding at all. well, at least according to this standard i learned last year when i slept about 4 hours a night and lived off redbull and pretzels just because i didn't have time to sit down and eat real food. now it's pretty chill. i get work here and there and yet i still manage to complain, but this quarter has made me extremely lazy. i sleep too much. i take time to have a real meal. i guess i'm going back to being normal again.

what goes with this normalcy is what i'm not enjoying very much. i guess when you're tired and hungry all the time, you don't really think about pursuing real happiness. i have people problems.

i remember the worst night of my life. ever. i never talked about it before, at least not openly and honestly, because i thought i was just being a drama queen. but it was real pain that i felt.

imagine spending the last two years believing in something that you now find out was never true. imagine being deceived and used for all your worth. imagine realizing that everything had been a lie. imagine that the person you thought was a real friend was really never a true friend to you.

it broke my heart. i almost cried but i didn't let myself do it. i figured he wasn't worth it. i'm trying my hardest to ignore his very existence. i'm hoping that i won't have to see or speak to or deal with his face ever again. call me bitter but i feel so strongly about this. if you hate me now (for a reason i still can't figure out), then i hate you more. don't ever lie again and tell people your friendship with them mattered to you when all you wanted was to have a personal driver. i was a true friend to you but you chose to break my heart.

and as if this wasn't enough, i had another drama coming. that same night. so what was up with that? this is a bit harder to write about so i won't even strain my neck to do it. but i cried this one time. i cried a couple more times after that night. then i thought i was over it. something happened in the weeks that followed and suddenly it was like nothing bad ever happened. i felt stupid for crying.

a few more weeks went by and everything seemed okay. then one night i was laying in bed and i thought, wtf is going on? what did i do wrong to deserve all this? two of the most important people in my life made me so sad and depressed. one of them i completely lost. and the other one has made it a habit of giving me reasons to hate myself. i kept thinking of something i said or something i did to them that made them so bitter and cruel and now they're punishing me by doing all this crap.

please tell me what i did wrong. you don't even have to like me. just try to be decent and tell it to my face. i have feelings too and i get hurt. a lot. i'm really bad at showing how i feel but it doesn't mean i have no feelings at all. just tell me you hate me and we'll call it quits. stop pretending. i'm being true so please be true to me. if not as a friend, at least as a person. stop hurting me. tell me what you want and i'll stay out of your way. i'm tired.

M.E.s make me cry.

then what else happened? [read my last entry and get a hint.]

my 21st was pretty fun though. i partied it up with the best people in the world. and last night was my official birthday dinner with more of the best people in the world.

and oh yeah, i got a new job. finger printing stuff is this monday. i'll go to work tuesday and give 2 weeks notice.

i have a lot of stuff due this week but i'll live.

today i decided to take it easy. but i have to start on homework soon.