i'm hating this garage status. i've been hanging out in the garage for the past three days because the internet in my room is being a bitch. no signal. no bueno. so, in order to feed my lust for facebook, i'm camping out in the garage where it's at least 90 degrees in the daytime. the nights are okay, except that i can't lay on my bed in between IMs. i'm hoping my wireless will miraculously fix itself sometime in the next few days because i don't see anything physically wrong with the router.

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i swear i was a boy in my past life. i think aladdin is the best movie ever (which apparently is a guy movie according to one source). i like wearing basketball shorts and free engineering tshirts. i eat more than what is proportional to my size. i drink beer and lots of it, and i actually enjoy drinking it. i'm a good judge of whether a girl is hot or pretty or cute or if she's ugly, but i'm never sure if a guy is at least half decent to look at, except the dangerously gorgeous ones. and apparently more than half of the dvds in my closet are guy movies, not enough chick flicks.

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i need to go shopping. now. maybe i'll stop thinking about being a boy in my past life. note to self: schedule an all-day shopping trip with My Girls. then maybe i can tell them what's going on with my life, my hopes, my fears, the issues i'm dealing with, why i'm afraid of life, why i'm afraid of committing myself to---i don't know---everything, why i can't decide for myself, why i want some Ultimate Christina Time, why sometimes i don't know what to do with myself or at least where to put my hands (sounds weird, but i just can't figure out where best to rest them).

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now i'm just waiting for AKM and Seal Beach to tell me if they want me or not. i'll go wherever/whoever wants me. i don't really care anymore where i end up. the plan now is to let life take me wherever it wants; i'm not even going to fight it anymore.

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i'm honestly tired to fighting life and myself. it's really not worth a dime if you think about it. i guess if you just let it happen, it will take care of itself. i didn't know that before. i used to think you have to have some sort of control so you'll know what's coming and so you can prepare for it. but that's all wrong. in the first place, you'll never know what's going to happen until it actually happens. second, things happen for a reason. so if you keep one thing from happening, you're also cockblocking (i really can't think of another word to replace this) everything else that is bound to happen in the future. lastly, i think it's good to step back sometimes and just watch life go, no thinking and no effort involved. just total relaxation of the mind. i'm still working on that, but i think i'm making some significant progress.