tomorrow i start work. real work. the kind that tells your parents they can safely cut you off financially without leaving you starving and homeless out in the streets.

i don't really know how i feel about it. but i'm definitely not excited. no more bumming out after tonight and i'll probably start paying off some student loans way before my grace period is over. i just don't want this student loan cloud hanging over my head when it's not hard to slowly pay it off. i also told my dad i'd give him 2k for the crv. he was making me give it up and buy a new car to replace it but i just couldn't get myself to do it. i mean, to give up the crv. i don't want a new car anyway. i feel so attached to my current car. we've been through so much: all the good times, all the bad times, all the sad times. and i just can't part from it. it also makes financial sense to keep it. right now it has less than 90k miles and it still drives good. i know we still have many years of adventures coming.

but back to how i feel about starting my first all-grown-up job. i guess it's okay. the pay isn't too bad, definitely more than what i need. but i'm not looking forward to waking up early in the morning and dealing with the ever so lovely 405 morning (and afternoon) traffic. but i'm working from 9 to 6 tomorrow so the night commute won't be too bad. after tomorrow, i work 8 to 5 so my 50-mile drive per day will be hell. i just hope i don't go crazy.

looking at the bright side of it all, i think my hellish commute will give me lots of quiet time. i used to that in college---my god, i feel old again---and every time i was stuck in traffic, i would just space out a little (not entirely because that wouldve been bad) and clear my head of all of life's stresses and think about life in general. i used to make up scenes in my head and picture myself in those situations and what i would do, how i would react to things, how i would carry conversations with different people, etc. or sometimes i would make plans, like what i would like to do, how i thought life would be if i made certain choices, where i would be in five, ten, fifteen years and beyond. sometimes i'd think of something super cool and then i'd feel happy. then i try to remember that and try to actually do it. a lot of times it would involve money so i'd be more inspired to save up so i could do it. but sometimes i'd be different. sometimes i'd think of things that i would love to say to certain people.

i don't really remember a particular event when i actually did the things that i thought of while stuck in traffic, but i think it's good to have some sort of a backup plan. i mean, you don't really have to do it. but just in case you don't know what to do with life, you can always go back to the traffic conversations in your head and hopefully you'll get some idea. you don't even have to do it or say it exactly as the ones in your self-conversations, but it'll guide you. sort of. that's what i do, at least.