seems like my head has been dysfunctional and out of place for the past few weeks.

some mornings when i drive down to work, i feel like i'm taking the 405 for the first time, like i had never been there before even though i've been taking it for the last three years. i have to keep checking on myself to make sure i'm not taking the wrong way to work and convince myself that my exit is still a good five miles away.

i've also been feeding myself milk and cereal for lunch. i know it's crazy and i'm probably not supposed to do it, but i found that it's the only way i can stay awake at work. i noticed that every time i ate real lunch food, i always fall asleep (for about five seconds!) in the afternoon. coffee would have been good if it didn't keep me awake ALL NIGHT. so i guess i'm sticking to my milk and cereal for lunch. i haven't dozed off at work for two weeks. it's actually a good feeling, until five-o-clock hits and i'm starving to death.

sometimes i wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning, thinking, wtf...why am i awake?!? i don't really know if i stay awake or if i fall half asleep. but it's never a good feeling at all. i get out of bed at around 6, tired and lazy, like i didn't sleep.

i don't really know what's going on in my head. maybe it's trying to adjust to such a very chill life. this post-school thing is weird. my body gets so much rest and chill time that i think my brain is trying its hardest to make up for all the laziness that sometimes it just keeps working overtime. or maybe this is some kind of an aftershock from all the difficult choices i had to make this summer. and i'd like to think i made all the right choices (or at least the most acceptable ones), but i guess a part of me is still not fully convinced. that little part could easily be wrong. how does a little thing know what is best for the much bigger thing?

that's kind of like me i guess. i always try to think of what would be the best for the most number of people, but i hardly stop and think what would make me happy. very rarely i try to do that (the making myself happy part), but every time i do it, it doesn't seem like i'm doing it right. it's hard to explain, but i never know if i'm doing the right thing or not. i know the right thing is supposedly the thing that brings you happiness, but it doesn't feel like that a lot of times. but then again, i wouldn't know if happiness came staring at me in the face. i don't know exactly what it looks like. it probably looks like a giant chocolate cake. or a yard-long tube of AMF (note that this isn't one of those whimpy yard-long margaritas) waiting to be chugged.