day two. i'm still feeling like crap.

i wish i waited until after christmas. and now my holidays, as well as the last two weeks of winter break will be miserable sht. i thought i'd be okay on the second day, but obviously i'm not. i'm not hurting as much, but i feel so sad. i don't know what the hell i'm so sad about. this is my own doing. if i didn't end it, i'd still have at least something to look forward to (i.e. stuff we used to do). but i guess i just have to accept it. there really was no point. no reason to go on. i always tell myself that. but why am i still sad?

it seems that everywhere i look, i see my secret life. the bed i slept in last night. the little bunny that's staring at me right now. the movie tickets up on my wall. the other thing up on my wall. the jacket. the "present." AIM and blogs. school in general. i must admit that my grades got better when we started. i wonder how my grades will go now that we're over.

i feel dumb. i'm writing all this like we actually dated. why is this so hard? blah to this uselessness.

i want to go out and skate, but i can't. i got obligations.

but anyways, i'm still debating whether i should give him back his stuff or not. i want to put everything in a box and either send it by mail or deliver it to his house. i don't know if that'll be rude or being an attention whore. or i'll just stuff them in a box and keep the box and never open the box. and one more thing. i think i might have to return the present i got him for christmas. i don't think he'll come to get it. he has too much pride for that.

two more weeks and i'll be back at school. less time to think about life and the past. more time to do engineering stuff and not have feelings. you'd think that after a year, you'd forget about jabbari. but no. jabbari still sticks.