then suddenly my burning question was answered.

i was watching scrubs earlier tonight, and i realized exactly what went wrong in what used to be my friends with benefits relationship. in this episode of scrubs that i just saw, elliot and jd become sex buddies. of course jd is happy, but elliot starts screwing up more at work. then it hits her. she realizes sex and emotions can't/don't mix. then she comes home and jd has this date-ish thing set up. candle light and a couple glasses of red wine. (if you've seen this episode, you'll know what i mean.) it looks all nice and romantic, and elliot goes, "aww..jd, this is so nice." he moves to kiss her, but she says, "i can't do this." then she goes on about how sex and emotions can't/don't mix...blah blah blah. and that if they go on being sex buddies, they'll eventually become a couple again and they know they don't want that. and so that's when they break it off.

and that was how my question was answered. but wait, i don't think i've mentioned what my burning question was. well, it's been a very emotional winter break for me, and all i wanted to know was what happened. how and why did i let my emotions get mixed with my friends with benefits relationship?

the answer is simple: he became too nice, very human, and i fell for it. i believed the things he said and gave meaning to his actions. after summer, everything seemed different. he asked me to be more open about my past, my feelings, my thoughts. he opened doors for me and gave me an amazing birthday present (this i prefer not to discuss). i give him props and much respect for what happened on halloween. it was very gentlemanly (is this even a word? and again, not to be discussed here). and when i got my parking ticket, he offered to pay for it. but i guess what really got me was that time when we saw that movie with diamonds. the way he held my hand while we were watching it was just different. it felt very sincere, like he didn't want to let go. i felt we somehow connected for the first time. but then again, maybe i was being too emotional at that time because that movie was depressing the sht out of me.

but the point is, i had to get out cuz i didn't want to be too emotionally attached to this guy. he was being too nice, and i was falling for it. he even asked me out on a date. i blame him for everything. if he just kept up with the terms we agreed on, we'd still be friends with benefits by now. he was the one who started getting too emotional. i mean, what was up with "you should open up to me more," "let's go on a real date for your birthday thing," randomly holding my hand, opening doors for me, and telling me that he liked me.

if you really want to stick the friends with benefits thing, you won't pull stunts like that, especially if you're a very persuasive, calculating and manipulative person. what was i supposed to do? call you a liar? which probably you are, but you know i have feelings too and i tend to believe things like that. i feel sorry for myself because i actually fell for his supposedly meaningless words and gestures.

the truth is, i was actually surprised when he brought up the issue of love in that very hostile-sounding message of his. i didn't think about love, not even for a second. what i felt was happiness, sincerity, and companionship. and i didn't and wouldn't consider any of those love.