winter break must be coming to an end.

i was so bored that i actually did some cleaning. i spent about more than half an hour cleaning the microwave and the stove, but in the end i just had to give up. it seemed that no matter how hard i scrubed, the crap just wouldn't come off. so i gave up. it's not like i was told to do it. i was bored and wanted to pass time.

but anyways, it reminded me of the catcher in the rye. there's this part where holden tries to erase these fuck-you's on the wall, but they won't come off. he gives up in the end and realizes there's no way to erase all the fuck-you's in the world because just as when you're doing it, someone can just sneak behind your back and write more fuck-you's.

and so i think there's no such thing as "starting out with a clean slate." i mean, if you think of life as this one big slate where everything gets recorded (whether you remember everything or not), then there's really no way to wipe it off clean every time you decide it's time for a new "clean slate." everything that already happened is there forever and there's no way to completely erase it off your life. even if you try to forget that it even happened, somehow something/someone will keep reminding you that it's there. you could add to it or cover it up with a bigger thing, but the truth is it's still there. go ahead and pretend it's not there, but you'll know in your heart that it's there. and it's not going anywhere.

it's like getting tattoos, you know. you can't just keep yourself from getting one if you're afraid you might not like it five years later. i mean, if you want stars now, get them stars now. then, if five years later, you want a skull or a sword, just tattoo them over those stars. the old stars will still be there, yes, but they won't be visible anymore if the skull or the sword is tattooed on that same place. you just get a bigger and bigger tattoo each time you change your mind about what's important to you. or what's cool. or whatever the hell you want. but the memory of the old thing will still be there. you get better. i think that's ultimately what we all aim for.