for the first time since winter break, i want to cry again.

but this time, it's not because i'm unhappy or angry. i just realized i want a second major. there's nothing wrong with it, i don't think, but i want to stay an extra year in school. maybe i'm having too much fun in college. maybe not.

i want to know and prove to myself that there's more in life than engineering. maybe it's not really for me. it just sucks that i decided to do CE for all the wrong reasons. and now, after almost 3 years, i want something else. i'm not failing, i'm doing okay, but i feel like it's not something i want to do for the next 50 years (if i live that long). i don't even know exactly what i want to do. and i feel like i'm wasting time because my indecisiveness is keeping me from getting anywhere.

another reason is that i'm afraid of graduation. a few months ago, all i ever cared about was graduation and getting out there. but now i don't want to go out there. i'm too scared. i don't know what i'm scared of, but i don't want to graduate yet. i want to stay for my fifth year because i know it'll buy me more time, but i don't think it's the right way to deal with this fear.

sometimes i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i want to distance myself from everything. maybe it'll make me appreciate whatever i have now and decide this is the life for me and i better take advantage of it and stick to the plan. but what if it doesn't work? and how do i distance myself from the only life i know?

i don't know what to do. soils midterm is tomorrow, and for now fifth year is an option. someone please tell me to make up my mind.