now we come to my grieving day. christmas eve. today marks the eighth year of my life sentence.

i had a good life growing up. then i had to leave everything behind. my good life. my good friends. the good things that awaited me. and believe it or not, i'm still not over it. i keep thinking what could have been and what could have become of me if i didn't have to leave. i still hurt and die a little inside every time i talk about this stuff. i feel like nobody will ever understand how miserable i was and how badly i cried for the first two years of my imprisonment and how i wanted to end it all. it was like i was watching my life crumble to pieces every second i breathed and there was nothing i could do to stop it. i had a difficult time watching myself fall apart like that. and all i could do to divert my attention from it all was homework. it was pathetic.

so then again, i would like to thank my Best Buddy for keeping me alive. i don't think i could've made it if we didn't become friends. i wouldn't have met all the wonderful people i know now if i decided to end it all. and i guess i should be happy that i'm still here.

i still grieve but only on christmas eve because it reminds of things that i wish never happened. most days i feel fine. some days lousy. but whatever. i think i'll live.