it's Welcome Week at UCI, but i'm not being welcomed. because i'm never going back. i used to think i'd never say this, but i have to admit i miss school. i miss work being an optional thing and you only go if you need/want the money. but now work actually comes with responsibility and the only option is to not miss it. crawl out of your deathbed if you will, but there's always work to be done. and people (mainly those who pay you) expect you to be there and get it done.

i guess that's exactly the reason why i'm not so fond of real work. because i hate being responsible. this doesn't mean i'm dependent on other people to do things for me. i like doing things my way and not being questioned why i do the things i do, but i never want to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong. i always want to have someone who will always have my back when i screw up, someone who will always tell me things are okay even if they're not, someone who will undo every mistake i make but won't take credit for it. i just want them to be there for me so i won't have to clean up my own mess. and i know too that this is wrong.

but i've always been afraid to be responsible. i don't even know if i'll ever get over it.

i hate how i have too many fears in life. responsibility is one thing. but i think my fear of the unknown is even worse. don't get me wrong though. this isn't the fear of the supernatural, but rather the fear of the future. i'm afraid of tomorrow. i'm afraid of things that i don't know, my lack of experience and people who i don't know too well. it's just difficult for me to deal with anything new because i don't know how it will turn out, if i'm going to get hurt, if i'm going to like, if it will change the course of my predetermined life, etc. i guess this is the reason why i can't easily let go of things. because i already know what they are and i know how to deal with them and i know what their next move will be and i know how to react to them. because i've been there, seen it and survived it.

i think this fear will eventually kill me. if not physically, it'll probably sink me into extreme sadness and i won't be able to go on. sometimes this Known Thing hurts you, but just because you know what it is, it doesn't bother you so much because it can easily be dealt with. it's just difficult to know if it's purposely trying to break you or if it's simply too insensitive. it's really hard to tell, especially when everything seems so distant, like when your responsibilities are calling you, you somehow go into your zombie mode and all your energy becomes too concentrated in performing your duties at work, in life, etc. you live for the sake of living. but the fear still lingers and you don't want to let go. you hold on for as long as your little heart can take it just because you're afraid to move on, to try new things, to know other people, to experience life to its farthest extents. but then again, what's the point?

fear is very crippling. options remain unexplored, and everything else is put on hold. and it makes me sad sometimes. somebody please tell me to stop being afraid of life, of people. but i don't really know. maybe i'm just afraid of being responsible for my actions and the decisions i make. so i choose to stick to what i already know because i know i'm not responsible for it because it has always been set like that.