some days i don't even feel alive, like i'm trudging through the day and stumbling drunkenly through life. no high goals whatsoever. all i want is to put in my eight hours at work, go home, go to bed and be ready to wake up again the next day. i'm not waiting for anything special to happen.

i guess what i really want is something to look forward to. it doesn't have to be super special or super fun or super amazing. i don't know, maybe some sort of a short-term goal that will not cost me money. i still want to go to bartending school but that costs money and i'm not sure if it's worth it. i can probably afford it (gas is cheaper now so i get some extra change) if i want to, but will the benefit-cost ratio be high enough to fill in my emptiness? if not, then what's the point?

i always look for reasons why i should do things. i think i need to stop that. just do it because it feels right. but nothing feels right these past few days. did i make the same big mistake again and now the guilt is eating me alive? but scratch that guilt, no need to feel guilty, i think. but in any case, i think i need to go back to the facts and go through the decision process again. this is why i don't like making my own decisions. i never seem to make the right choices.

but i don't know, maybe i just feel a little older and have nothing to show for this older age. i still can't make a commitment to anything (or anyone, haha), and this is one thing that i'm failing miserably. what can i do though? it just doesn't feel right. i need some courage to just do it. hopefully i won't fail for too long.

and as i watch my Dilbert calendar gets thinner, i wonder if i'll ever stop stumbling drukenly through life or if this is all i'll be doing for a very long time. (yeah, the dilbert calendar is totally out of place in this context, but i like it because it gives me the much needed laugh when i sit my butt down in my work chair.)