after weeks of trying to cure my semi-insomnia (semi- because i'm not really sure if it's it or if it's all in the head, like most things), i'm still not sleeping well. i've tried alcohol in all amounts (anywhere from 1 drink to passed-out-on-the-couch status), being awake for 20+ hours, 3 miles on the treadmill, completely cutting cereal to save myself from all that sugar, cutting tea in the afternoon, tylenol in unreasonable amounts, hour-long conversations with Sucker At Life. and i'm still not sleeping like a normal person. i can sleep okay, but i can never stay asleep. i'm getting headaches from it now, non-stop headache for the past 3 or 4 days now. and yesterday i barely had anything to eat (half a sandwich), which was my only meal for the last ~40 hours. i don't even know how i'm still functioning. i'm okay minus the bad cold that got worse this weekend. hopefully i can fix the bad cold before the work week starts tomorrow.

i spent hours last night thinking what could be the cause of this madness. nothing seemed to fit so i decided maybe i'm depressed. but depressed about what? i don't know. if i knew, i'd fix it. i'm not really sure, but i think my occasional unhappiness gets carried onto my sleep, so i guess that wakes me up in all the odd hours of the night. i also think maybe i'm just feeling empty and bored because i don't see the end of this lifetime. back in college, i had all the breaks to look forward to, but now i got nothing. i just can't see the end. and i need to convince myself that i'm actually getting somewhere. or maybe it's because i never stop making bad decisions.

i used to think that when i stopped fighting myself, life could go on smoother. but now that i'm not fighting it anymore and i'm simply following what my heart tells me (i know i know, too cheesy for the blog but there's no other way to describe the feeling), i feel like i'm getting more screwed. i don't know, it just feels like nothing is falling into the right place. my time gets wasted, my gas bill racks up, my bad cold gets worse. and all this happens because...i don't know. i swear it's stupid.