last week i found out that two of my coworkers had gotten let go, and that the company i'm working for only has seven months worth of work left. if nothing else comes through, i'll be out of a job.

but what i've come to realize is that i haven't woken up happy for the past thirty-three months. every morning is a struggle; everyday is an empty existence. i try to distract myself by filling in the voids with excessive indulgences---the car, the vacations, alcohol and cigarettes---but none of it is enough to mask the misery. there are times when the excess becomes the cause of this unbearable emptiness. i love life, but how can i keep loving it when i dread waking up in the morning?

so i'm thinking that maybe i need to change something. the prospect of losing my job doesn't really terrify my; it actually gives me a sliver of hope that one day i will be free from it. then i can try to do other things and pursue non-engineering goals. maybe it will be that extra push i need to finally plunge into the unknown and see if that can lead me out of this dark, dark place. one day i will wake up happy.