gas went up four cents today. i got lucky again.

school is making me sick. literally. two weeks and my cold still hasn't gone away. and once again, i'm up for a semi-hell week. monday: materials lab report and materials hw are due. tuesday: fil-am experience books must be read...completely. fluids pho night is tuesday. a good study break. wednesday: materials hw is due. possible all-nighter with my 121 crew to finish our highway design.

a year ago all i wanted was to shake things up. you know, make something happen. have something new happen to me. and it did. but i don't know if i still want it. it's not that it's getting redundant, even though it is getting repetitive, but i feel that i don't want it anymore. i guess what i really want to say is it has to stop. it has to stop soon.

a year ago i didn't really think it would last this long, and we'd go this far. yay? maybe. because now i know it's possible to happen. but really, it's not worth it. i always find myself asking the same question in my head: what the hell am i doing to myself? and i'm getting tired of it. i want to continue living life and not have to ask myself that. it started off nice and easy, and it felt good. my only regret is that i agreed to going a little farther each time. it drives me crazy sometimes. i think about it everywhere i am, whatever i'm doing. it's like the ninja turtles. you know you like them, but at the same time you don't want other people to know that you still consider the ninja turtles your heroes (assuming you'll be 20 in less than a week). i can't even talk about it. my best friend doesn't know. i feel bad.

it's a secret double life i'm living. it hurts me sometimes, and i get a little scared. what i'm afraid of is not the chances of getting caught but the possibility of me being emotionally involved with someone else other than myself. i don't want to fall hard. i don't think i'll recover, although it's still a possibility. i just wish i could talk about it openly. maybe i'd be less miserable.

if only it started off right. but then at the same time, it's that thing that gives it more thrill, that makes it more scandalous and complicated. i guess, at that time, we were both caught up in the moment. it just happened. one minute we were normal friends, and the next we were having a makeout session. random makeout sessions everytime we saw each other. sneaking him in to my house at one in the morning. sleeping until it's time to sneak him out before my parents wake up. drinking and making out. daytime or at night, it doesn't matter. going a little farther each time (and that's all i'm going to say about that). it's cool at the time of action, but it doesn't feel right after. it's not that it's wrong. it's just weird. all that lying. lying to my parents and lying to ourselves.

for a while it wasn't clear what we were, at least to me. were we just makeout buddies or normal friends or was it something else? half a year passed and we decided that we friends with benefits. (and up until now, we're still officially friends with benefits.) then he started calling it "semi-dating." wtf. nobody else knows besides us, and we're "semi-dating"? wtf is that. so i said, you keep calling it different names when we both know we're just passing time. so then we went back to simply friends with benefits.

i know i'm creating a problem, and i don't know how this drama will end. i guess the real problem here is me. i'm a constant liar to myself. i have trust issues, and i'm a little selfish. details will come later, but for now, i'm a miserable, self-centered bitch.