i wish you were reading this. because you just don't know.

you don't know that i like long walks...in the rain. that i like the rain. that i always get a latte at starbucks and that i don't add sugar to it.

you don't know that i can't sleep with the lights on. that i can't sleep if my closet isn't closed all the way. that i never sleep with no socks on and that i like to fold my blanket in half every time because it gives twice the warmth. and that if i try hard enough, you'll always in my dreams and that i get sad when i dream of someone else instead of you. i never told you that. maybe i never will.

you don't know that i like having my hands held and that i thought it was so sweet when you grabbed by hand for no reason and held it. yes, it was that time when i walked you to your car after that big fight we had. you probably don't remember that and it's okay. but i still do. and you don't know that every time i see you, i always wish you'd hold my hand again. not when we were doing other things but when there was nothing else to do but hold hands.

you don't know that i lied when i said i didn't want a relationship with you. i lied because i was afraid. i was afraid because i didn't feel i trusted you enough. but i guess it was risk i should've taken. if you ask again, i'll say yes. maybe. more likely a yes than a no. but i don't think you'll ask again because you alraedy got what you wanted. and i think you're starting to enjoy this no strings attached thing. no commitments. you're becoming like me. but i don't know. i might be changing my mind.

you don't know that i'm hurting as i write this. i hurt because i know i passed that chance of being close to you. of having a real thing with you. i know that because, like i already said, you got what you wanted. and when i asked you if you planned it the whole time, my heart broke when you said that you actually planned for it for a year. had you lied and said no, i think i would still have believed you. i would believe your lie and think you were the sweetest thing in the world. i would believe that you actually liked me and that you cared about me. you were too honest, and now i'm hurting. i don't really feel like talking to you right now.

maybe it was a good thing that i didn't let myself get close to you. i just want you to know now that i'm hurting. because you don't know anything about me. i don't know anything about you. well, not the little things. we never took time to talk about ourselves. and i mean, really talk about ourselves. this should be the end of it all. this is the end of it all. although i think i'll go ahead and buy you a christmas present. i just don't know how to tell you.