interesting thing happened in soils lecture yesterday.

siddiqi: "red jacket, is your last name R----------?"
guy in soils: "yeah."
siddiqi: "you look so much like your father."

i had never heard anything like that before. your old professor tells you (or in this case, implies) that he's now teaching the second generation. i never really thought of things that way. i mean, i understand people can be old and still be able to teach, but it's rare to be teaching your former student's kid. if it's in hs, then fine, maybe it'll be less weird cuz not everybody leaves his hometown anyway. (maybe except for me. i've been running for more than a third of my life, but that's another story.) but it's college. so many colleges to choose from. so many majors. so many classes. and for you to have your old student's kid in your class and most likely teaching the same soils class, it's pretty rare. and if you ask me, i think it's pretty insane. i just never looked at life like that. it's like reliving your parent's life. i dont know. it's hard to explain.

but then again, how do you remember a person in that way? i mean, remember a student from 20 or 25 years ago just cuz you see his kid, who happens to look exactly like him.

i'm trying to remember what my preschool teacher looked like. and i wonder how she's doing. i'm trying to remember my friends' faces, and most of the time it's hard to do it. i feel like i've been away for so long that i feel disconnected from the life that i used to know. it feels like i've been running endlessly, and it hurts to know that i just can't go back and reclaim everything, all the memories, that i have already lost. sometimes i get sad and start crying because i can't remember a lot of things. and when i do remember something so vividly, i end up questioning myself whether it really happened or if i just unconsciously made it up in my head just so i wouldn't feel so bad about forgetting a lot of things.

the sad thing is that i just don't try to remember people's faces, but i try so hard to remember the moment, feel everything that i felt at that time. i just can't remember it all. i want to remember how it was to know that someone cared so much, how it was to be loved, how it was to love. i don't know how that feels anymore. and i would very much like it if i could feel it again. it's all i want. it's what i want to have. but then i guess, i can't have it all. if i can't even have that, maybe i can't have anything.