maybe i should stop listening to secondhand serenade.

so i was driving home from a birthday dinner thing. (due to my weirdo-ness of not mentioning anyone's name on this blog, i won't say whose birthday it was, but you know who you are.) anyways, it was a nice drive from the spectrum to here. dark, little specks of light everywhere, average of 75 mph speed. and secondhand serenade was playing the whole way.

then i suddenly felt sad and alone for no reason at all. i felt like i was driving forever, not knowing where i want to go and what i want to become. i saw emptiness everywhere i looked even though there were hundreds of cars on the freeway with me, and the lights were there too watching. then i thought maybe the physical emptiness i saw was a reflection of how empty i feel inside. i just can't seem to find that one thing that makes me truly happy. i mean, i have fun with friends, but fun doesn't really mean happiness.

i started getting scared because i thought, what would happen if i never found it? then i'd be sad and alone forever. and when i look back to all the things i've done this year, i sometimes have to cringe and shut my eyes and remind myself that everything is in the past now. that i can't go back and undo some of the many things i did. that all i can do now is move forward and keep myself in check.

sometimes i suspect myself of being crazy. i get these high times when i just feel so good and think that everything is where i want them to be. but other times, like right now, i just feel so down like all the forces in the universe are acting against me. and i don't really know how i feel. maybe i don't really know myself at all.

but when i think hard, i realize i don't want to know myself because i'm afraid i won't like that i'll find out.