so tonight i'm officially re-opening my blog to anyone who's still interested. not that a lot of people read it before anyway.

so many things have happened in the past two months while this blog was offline. i don't even know where to begin. but i guess i'll start with how i'm feeling now then who knows...

i'm not sure if you guys noticed, but for the past few weeks i've been very anti-social. i'm sorry about that. it just feels like everyone is so distant and everything else is falling apart. 10th week starts tomorrow and my senior project is still crap. i'm failing environmental chem and systems engineering (or whatever that class is called). i have bad relationships with people and i don't know what to do with myself. i want to graduate so bad but i'm scared. i don't know where i'll be after all this is over and it's killing me that i don't know anything. sometimes i cry and then i have to stop for a second and think about the reason why i'm doing it. then i try to find reasons so i won't feel too weird about it. i'm not sleeping enough and i'm losing weight. good god, i just don't want to be here anymore.

i feel very depressed. and i guess it got worse when i found the suicide hotline card somewhere in all this clutter. i got it from CV a year ago (for fun) and never thought about it again. and now i found it. no, i'm not going to kill myself (i'm too scared to do that) but i'm thinking of calling it just to talk to someone. it'll be like an experiment. you know, just to see if even half of the crap i'm trying to deal with is credible. i'm not very creative so i really hope that those who actually read this blog believe the things i write.

it's just weird how different things are this quarter. it's like this blackhole of the unknown and i don't understand why things are happening and why some things are not happening.

a few weeks ago i decided to not do homework and walked around UCI until it was time to go to class. i was thinking, man, what happened? a year ago, everything in my life was in place. all the pieces fit together. classes were a little dull but i was doing well and not failing miserably. people were good too. my relationships with people were good. fun times everyday and i was never too tired to have a good time. even though i didnt have a job and was broke more than half the time, it didn't really bother me at all. i looked forward to waking up in the morning and i felt good about myself. although, i think at one point i thought to myself, man, this is so awesome, i wonder if something bad is bound to happen. and then bad things happened. they're happening now.

i seriously don't know how i ended up here. i'm pretty sure i did some things in the past that brought me to this. but come on, how could things turn a full 180 in just a year? it's not fair. i don't know how to handle this.

but i guess that's the reason why i'm dying inside right now. i can't handle things. i'm failing because i can't handle the classes anymore. my senior project is crap because i don't know what to do. i have bad people relationships because i don't know how to deal with people-related issues. i know for sure that we have issues that i don't know how to deal with (you know who you are). so i quit. i just can't try anymore.

and what's up with all the weird dreams? i'm trying to understand things but nothing really makes sense right now. i'm dying and i don't understand why. help me.

so that's the reason why i'm re-opening my blog. i want to keep track of what's going on in my head so maybe later i'll understand why things are falling apart right now. also, maybe if other people read this and know what's going on and why i'm being such a boring anti-social, they'll tell me to f----- get over myself and then maybe i'll get over myself and try to be normal again.

so here's what's happening in the next two weeks:
03/11 - go back to work after 1.5 weeks of absence
03/12 - Job Interview (1st round): LA Dept of Water and Power
03/17 - Job Interview (2nd round): Jacobs Engineering (I really hope I get this and get paid 70K/year)
03/19 - 3 finals: Environmental Chem, Systems Engineering, Watershed Modeling presentation
03/20 - 30% Senior Project presentation
03/21 - Watershed Modeling project paper and take-home final are due

DAMMIT.