so i've been thinking, if there was an Idiot Girl's Guide to Landing a Super Cool Boyfriend, i'd be the first in line to preorder it off the publisher (if it was for sale) or the first one to steal it (if it turned out to be an illegal contraband) or the first person in the history of the universe to miss days and days and days of work reading it off the internet (if it was online and highly censored like porn).

the truth is, sometimes i worry i will end up alone and not be in a real committed relationship for the rest of my weird, annoying life. i know i've had some opportunities in the past (but they could be made into other blog entries so i won't go into detail now, haha) so i guess i shouldn't be complaining. but i guess these thoughts didn't hit me then. only now (and i mean, right now) do i realize that maybe it's time to set the bar lower and start letting people in to my life. it's a little on the cheesy side, but you can't really be committing yourself to another person if all you do is shut everyone out.

i'm not looking for love. or sex. or free dinners. or expensive presents. all those are overrated. love: who knows what this actually is? sex: this is easy to get/buy (at your own risk)/use a "friend"/whatever. free dinners: not a big fan of super fancy food, the dollar menu is fine. expensive presents: i have a job so i'll just pay for what i want.

but i know what i can't live without and the only thing i can't do/get/buy on my own: companionship. it's nice to hang out with friends, but they have their own lives to deal with too. most of my friends are in serious relationships so i can't really ask them to hang out with me when i'm alone or bored or just want to chill. but what i really want/need is someone to regularly chill with.

we'll hang out, relax, forget about the work week. it won't matter what we do. we could just be sitting on the couch, watching some lame tv show and drinking beer. or we could just be sitting in the car in an empty parking lot and talking about life, our hopes, dreams, our fears and what we're going to do on saturday morning. or we could just be making cheap food in the kitchen and talking about why unemployment is awesome. or we could just be painting random pictures of flowers and bunnies and wrestling afterwards. or we could be watching endless amounts of movies. or we could be randomly driving at night even though we couldn't even afford gas.

this is all i really want. i just want a buddy. a partner in crime. someone to chill with. when i'm in my best mood. or worst mood. when i'm dressed nice or when i'm dressed like a boy (i swear i'm not an official cross-dresser). when my toes are painted black. purple. green. when i'm fun and drunk and passed out. when i'm tired and boring and my shoulders are hurting and when i'm not sleeping like a normal person. when i'm neurotic and don't know what i want.

and you don't have to do anything special. you don't even have to tell me things or promise me the world. you don't have to say things like, "i really like you," "i think you're pretty, "i think you're cute," "i think you're beautiful," "i think you're hot," "i think you're sexy," "i want to have sex with you," "i don't have STDs," and "i'm not going to look for another girl as long as you're here."

because i don't really care. they're easy to say. i could say them to myself if i got desperate. like i said, i just want to hang out and chill and know that someone will always be there for me. it probably sounds a little selfish, but who wants to be alone?

although free dinners and expensive presents would be nice. and the sex could be thrown in there too even though it's the least of my priorities. i don't know about love though. it could hit me in the face and i wouldn't recognize it. but really, all jokes aside, plain hanging out would be fine with me.