there's this episode of Nip/Tuck where this supermodel chick goes in to get plastic surgery on her face. except that she does not want to be more beautiful; she wants to be unperfect and ugly. naturally, she's told it can't happen and that no sane doctor would even think of disfiguring her face. so one of the surgeons goes and tells her that all she has to do is eat lots and lots of KFC and taco bell so she'll be super fat and unattractive. she's cool with it for like a day, then decides gun her car to 100+mph and run it into a wall. her face gets messed up, and she's now ugly. except now she doesn't want to be ugly anymore. she wants to be pretty again. the doctor tells her her face can't be fixed. she cries and says (not sure exactly what she said but it's something like this), "when you have everything and you have it good, you romanticize about having nothing at all. when you're rich, you wonder what it's like to be poor. when you're beautiful, you wonder what it's like to be ugly. but you're always going want to be rich and beautiful."

or something like that.

i think i'm sort of going through a similar existential crisis. i sometimes wonder what would it be like if i didn't have a good job and if, at 23, i still had no direction in life. i imagine how awesome it would be to just sleep in and not get out of bed until noon. to not have Marla. to have a part-time dead-end job and live off of eight bucks an hour. to not have anything. but i would have my youth. i wouldn't be caged in a 3.5-walled cubicle with no sunlight. i would be free. and it would be okay because according to Fight Club, "it's when we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

i always snap out of it though. i think i genuinely like The Now, even though it can sometimes be restricting. it's comfortable, and it's easy.

i'm not being a complainer or bitchy or ungrateful. it's just so romantic to think about things that are not actually happening. it's like a dream, and it's very relaxing.